My Body Kept Score

On a cold and dreary January morning, my new husband and I boarded a plane in Detroit heading for Fort Myers, Florida to celebrate my fiftieth birthday and spend a week of fun in the sun.  After a grueling year of his international travel and my endless hours of work as a corporate vice president of Human Resources, we really needed this getaway.

As I disembarked from the plane, I felt the warm, moist, salty Florida air on my skin.  I breathed it in feeling a warm rush of happiness.  We grabbed our rental car and drove to the beautiful hotel which would be our home for the week.

I opened the door to the hotel room and discovered my husband had pre-arranged a beautiful bouquet of roses and a bottle of wine. What a lovely way to celebrate a milestone – the culmination of the half century I had been alive. 

Wine in hand, we stepped out onto our balcony to view the beautiful waterways, trees, and ocean surrounding the hotel.  We were excited about a whole week spread out in front of us. 

My husband put his hand on my waist, drew me close, and whispered “Happy birthday honey” in my ear before clinking my glass in a toast.

We set off on our island adventures the next morning, driving along the Intercostal Waterway with the windows down, reveling in the feel of the sun on our skin.

Throughout the week, we enjoyed watching manatees, sunsets over the ocean, and lovely walks among brightly colored homes.

On the day before our departure, we discovered that our hotel had a private island.  Both needing to relax and dreading our flight back to the snow, we donned our swimsuits and headed out.

On the ferry trip to the little island sandbar, we were flanked by beautiful dolphins escorting us to the destination.  Upon arrival, we walked along the shore amongst the other sun bathers, looking for shells, wading out into the beautiful cool waters, and allowing our lily-white skin to soak up the beautiful warm rays of sunshine.  In those three hours, we had no cares in the world. Well, almost none.

Looking around me that day on the sandbar, I saw beautiful, tanned bodies enjoying their lovely sunbathing routine.  As I sat there holding back tears, I thought that there just had to be more to life.  Why was my life always so hard?  Why didn’t I love the job I worked so hard and dedicated my life to?  Why was I constantly feeling that the life had been sucked out of me? 

I reflected through my tears that I had not been feeling well for some time. I couldn’t seem to keep my blood pressure under control. I had difficulty walking any distance without feeling weak, breathless, and fatigued. I felt this nagging sense of sadness, depression, hopelessness, and powerlessness about my job and the feeling I couldn’t escape it.  I was stuck. 

I realized that since my early twenties, I had struggled with my weight.  I endured heartbreaks losing three babies to stillbirth and miscarriage and gratefully accomplished one successful pregnancy after six months of bedrest.  My dad passed away suddenly at the age of 57 plunging me into estate responsibilities.  My first marriage of seventeen years ended; I became a single mom for ten years which added another layer of responsibility. 

Additionally, my pursuit of education and certifications required studies in every free moment of my adult life. In 2008, when the U.S. economy was in shambles, twenty years of retirement savings was stolen, child support stopped coming in, and my employer issued sizeable pay cuts to the management team.  I had clung to the corporate ladder for two decades.  Chronic stress was abundant.  Me time was non-existent.

Hard work was all I had ever known. I had beliefs and imprints about what was expected of me and how to achieve success.  My sense of responsibility had me putting my needs behind others.  My health was in serious trouble and I was an emotional mess.  That day on the beach, I decided it was time to overcome my fears and plan for my job to end. 

Unfortunately, freedom from the job took more time than anticipated.

Fast forward eighteen months after vacation, undergoing numerous tests for the heart-attack-like pain that came with no warning, it was determined that my gall bladder had become diseased needed to come out.  I had high hopes for relief, for about six weeks then pain started again.  Crap!

Then the compliance part of my job became more stressful. New laws seemingly appeared daily.  My staff and I were buried in the work and often the last to leave the office. 

I was overworked, underappreciated, and shockingly unhealthy for my age.  The chest pains, which felt like someone was taking the sharp end of a Campbell’s soup can and twisting it through my sternum to my back, became more intense and frequent.  These attacks came at any moment, lasted hours, and left me weak and fearful of the next occurrence.

Another year of tests passed by, and I learned I had a hiatal hernia large enough to require another surgery with a long recovery.  My stomach, full of ulcers from years of chronic stress, had moved up through my diaphragm into my chest cavity, a condition that could prove instantly fatal.  Additionally, my body had developed a precancerous condition called Barrett’s esophagus.  Let’s just add those tidbits to the worry - oh my!

Waiting for the next surgery, the pain became unbearable. I struggled to eat solid foods and my liquid diet was far from satisfying. Some days, I really wanted to just go to sleep and not wake up.  I heard myself saying out loud,  “I do not want to die at my desk!”

I felt my body was dying.  My exhaustion and poor health continued, and I grew to hate my unfulfilling compliance job, sometimes crying in the car on my way to work.

I was an absolute mess!  The gift from this struggle became my wake-up call. My body finally convinced me that the path I was on was not working.  I knew it was life or death for me and immediate action was needed. I was now forced to deal with my fears of leaving my job.

I sought advice.  My new husband loved, supported, and believed in me unconditionally.  A psychologist helped me work through my many fears about leaving my job.  My life coach helped me see there was a life beyond the job I had.  They all put it to me this way, “What is this job costing you?”  It didn’t take me long to figure out “Well, EVERYTHING!” 

What did I want to do with my life’s second half? I knew I wanted to write and also help women understand the importance of self-care.  I knew I could utilize my experiences to lead in an enlightened and empowered way.  Coaching was where my heart was leading! 

I took inspired actions.  I started my healing journey while still at my job. I found the right coaching certification programs and surrounded myself with the spiritual women I wanted to emulate. I became an energy master.  Life started feeling fun and exciting. 

I worked to release old beliefs that no longer served me.  I forgave myself for past actions and others for hurting me.  Instead of wallowing in my old job story, I pivoted, set aside my anger, and became grateful for what my job had provided.  I embraced my inner goddess. I took back my power.  My life was meant to be joyful and didn’t have to be hard like I had made it. 

I spoke with my manager and strategically planned for my departure.  I saved money to pay bills ahead.  I developed a succession plan to put my staff into the right roles. I focused on securing the resources I needed to start my own business. 

I waited for the right time to retire early so that I could gracefully leave my job feeling good about it. Four years of focused planning, learning, and healing after that tearful day on the sandbar and I made it happen at just the right time for me.  I’ve released the weight, regained my health, become an author, a coach, work with amazing women, and I’ve never looked back!

Can you resonate with any part of my story?  I'm leaving you with some powerful JOURNAL PROMPTS that may help you draw your own line in the sand and choose something different starting today: 

1. What have you experienced in your life that became a pivotal wake-up call for you?
2. Who has supported you unconditionally and without judgment, and how did their love make a difference for your life?
3. In what ways are you putting yourself first and in what ways are you finding yourself to be the last person served?

No matter how life looks, you can choose a different path.  I see you.  I hear you.  I'm here if you ever need support my friend.

Karen