6 Ways to Stop People Pleasing and Start Shining Your Light

Would you describe yourself as a People-Pleaser?  Does it drive you crazy when you feel the need to make other people happy and comfortable often at the expense of your own happiness? 

In this blog I share 13 negative effects of people-pleasing along with 5 powerful journal prompts to help you become more aware of your people pleasing tendencies and what you can do about them.   Then comes 6 small steps you can take to transition from the role People-Pleaser to Self-Lover putting your life, happiness, authenticity, and self-love first so that your light will again shine brightly into the world. 

Let’s first talk about this common descriptor and what it means. 

People-pleasing often results in prioritizing the needs of others over your own needs often at the expense of your own well-being.  It often happens when you want to avoid conflict or criticism in a relationship with another at work, within your family, or in other social settings.  A people-pleaser is often engaging in these activities to gain approval or acceptance from another outside of herself.

On the other hand, people-pleasers are often regarded as kind, helpful, and approachable.  That’s not really a bad thing, is it?  The short answer is that it can be when it rises to the level of sacrificing our own well-being and happiness for others on a consistent basis and for the wrong reasons (i.e. becoming a rescuer or seeking approval or acceptance outside of ourselves). 

To me, this is the distinction of simply being kind from your heart to another human (a really good thing) versus being kind because you are seeking love and acceptance from those outside of you (disempowering and light dimming).

Don’t feel bad if people-pleasing feels like a label for you too.  I read about a study in the book “Worthy” by Jamie Kern Lima that stated over “50 percent of women describe themselves as people-pleasers” and more than “70 percent of women say they go to extreme measures to avoid conflict” and “close to 70 percent prioritize others’ needs first”. 

Boy, did this all ring a bell for me.  I spent decades of my life, starting in early childhood, unknowingly in this role and have had to work hard to undo my people-pleasing tendencies.  I first had to learn what it looked like. 

For me, my people-pleasing tendencies likely arose because I was a kind-hearted and likable kid that felt very low self-worth and self-esteem as a child and throughout much of my adolescence and into adulthood.  I was a peacemaker.  I didn’t like conflict.  I experienced and I feared rejection.  I felt I didn’t fit in.  I sought out approval in all that I did.  My inner critic’s whispers perpetuated these tendencies as I did not know the tools to strengthen my self-worth, self-love, and to stop the cycle.

The quote from Jamie's book that really hit me between the eyes is “I want to be loved more than I want to be me”.  Oh my!  That has some resonance for me.  How about you?

I also began to understand some of the negative effects a people-pleaser might experience which can include: 

1. Sacrificing your own needs and desires.
2. Dimming your light to your greatness.
3. Sabotaging your self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth.
4. Increasing your stress level, tension, and causing resentment or feelings of not appreciated for what you do.
5. Living inauthentically.  (I liken this to faking it or pretending to be something you’re not at an emotional level).  Showing up as you think others want you to show up.
6. Difficulty advocating for yourself, setting boundaries, or saying “no”.
7. Engaging in patterns of self-sacrifice or self-neglect.
8. Constantly apologizing or taking blame (even for things you did not do).
9. Agreeing to activities or situations you do not like.
10. Feeling guilty when telling others “no”.
11. Fearing rejection or fear of upsetting others or "walking on eggshells" around them.
12. Preoccupation with what others think.
13. Difficulty with making independent decisions; always seeking others’ approval or opinions.  Playing small.

Here are 5 Powerful Journal Prompts that may help you discern if you regularly engage in people-pleasing activities that could be harmful to your well-being.  

1. Are you doing things for another that you would not normally do for yourself? 
2. Is whatever you are doing for another leaving you feeling exhausted, resentful, unfulfilled, or unseen?
3. Are you doing something for another with the underlying purpose of be liked or accepted by her?
4. Are you acting in a way in situations or around others that doesn’t feel authentic to you or makes you sad or angry or unsettled in some way?
5. Do you hear yourself apologizing often or taking blame for things that aren’t your fault?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you may be a people-pleaser"

 The good news is that if you often engage people-pleasing tendencies (that are detrimental to your own wellbeing or causing you to feel empty, resentful, or invisible), here 6 ways you can use to stop the people-pleasing and start your healing journey of self-pleasing and self-loving!

[AND this is not selfish.  It is self-care!].  

1. Remember that you will never ever be able to please everyone (and it’s not your job to do so).
2. Learn to soothe your inner critic’s whispers that may be likely perpetuating the people-pleasing tendencies.  If you’re not sure how, grab my free “3 Ways to Soothe Your Inner Critic So You Can Hear Your Inner Wisdom” e-guide here.
3. Set some healthy boundaries and practice saying “no” or “no, that doesn’t work for me in this moment”. 
4. Spend some time alone with your thoughts often.  Reconnect with and listen to your Inner Wisdom, the messages you hear from your heart, your intuition.  [These thoughts will feel right and good].
5. Go inward to figure out your “why” (what you really want; what lights you up; how it’ll make you feel) and focus your goals and priorities on your personal vision.  [This is a great tool to use in soothing your inner critic when it tries to pull you back into the negative space.]
6. You have the power to choose always! Tune into how each decision you’re facing makes you feel.  If it doesn’t feel good, then it’s not the right choice to make in that moment.

My friend, you are worthy and infinitely loved just as you are.  Worthiness is deserved and is your birthright.  You do not need to seek others’ approval for your worth.  You are perfectly designed  and you were put on this earth with a great story of your own to tell and a bright light to shine.

Start with becoming a “Self-Lover” first, live the authentic life that is truly your own, and you’ll find great happiness and joy.  And when you find yourself slipping back, use these tools to conquer the people-pleasing habit.  I believe in you.  You’ve got this!

Karen